


Twas in the Merry Month of May

by EllenArcher



Category: Backstage (TV 2016)
Genre: Colonialism, F/F, Heteronormativity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-21
Updated: 2018-04-21
Packaged: 2019-04-25 16:02:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14382096
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EllenArcher/pseuds/EllenArcher
Summary: Colonial AUBianca doesn't like Alya. And yet she runs to her in her most stressful time.





	Twas in the Merry Month of May

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this by request in August 2016 on tumblr
> 
> Story title is from the song Barbara Allen

Bianca wasn’t unhappy. No, she was perfectly content with her life. She had a wonderful family and a cozy home right in town. She was a highly respected member of society, even if she wasn’t yet married to a general or even a shipbuilder. Her parents were beginning to look for a suitable man for her to marry, and she knew it was only a matter of time. She would soon start a lovely little family of her own. She knew she was lucky to be so well off. Her family didn’t need to worry about money, as her father was a very successful printer. A lot of the families in town weren’t so well off, so Bianca tried to be thankful for what she had.

Something that always made Bianca feel better was when she ran into Alya in the marketplace. While Bianca and her mother were there to pick up a hearty pheasant for supper, Alya was trying to scrabble together enough change to afford turnips for stew. It was sort of pathetic. Alya had already been married off, and her husband was meant to provide her with at least some financial stability. And well, Alya was probably doing better than when she had lived with her parents, but still. Her clothes were ratty, her hair was dirty, and her nails were caked with dirt. Bianca certainly didn’t envy her.

Although… Bianca couldn’t help but notice that Alya was always humming quietly to herself. In the market, or in the lobby outside church, anywhere they ran into each other, Alya was always happy enough to sing under her breath. So perhaps things weren’t so bad for her.

Why was Bianca thinking about it anyway? She didn’t need to spend her time thinking of the less fortunate. It wasn’t even Sunday. She could be as selfish as she liked. Besides, she was getting curious about who her parents were thinking of setting her up to marry. She put down her knitting and joined her father in the parlor. “Papa?” she prodded him when he didn’t look up from his newspaper right away.

“Yes dear?” Papa was always firm with Bianca, but he was still kind. Well, when he was around. There were many days that he didn’t come home, when he said he was working late at the printing shop. Bianca did miss him when he was gone, of course. But it was a bit more relaxing around the house when Papa wasn’t always reprimanding Mother. Mother said she didn’t mind, and she understood where Papa was coming from. But if that was true, why did it seem like she took her frustration out on Bianca?

But Bianca didn’t want to dwell on that. She would be leaving the household soon, anyway. She would have her own husband and her own family. And that’s why she had come into the parlor in the first place. To see who she would be starting her new life with.

And so Papa told her. Bianca was set to marry a fellow called Elias Watson. Bianca couldn’t recall ever meeting the man, but she knew the Watsons were a well-respected family in town. That had to be good. But Papa wasn’t done talking. He informed Bianca that she was to have dinner at the Watson’s house that Friday evening. That was only two days away! Bianca couldn’t believe she was only hours away from meeting her new husband! There was so much she had to do to prepare!

The following morning, Bianca woke up bright and early. She wanted to head to the seamstress shop in town to get a new dress made for the upcoming dinner party. After all, she wanted to make a fine first impression to her new family. They would be expected a sophisticated and proper lady, something Bianca prided herself on being. Not like that Alya girl. Alya was hardly ever scrubbed clean, and her clothes would never do for a dinner party. They weren’t even proper enough for afternoon tea!

There Bianca went, thinking about Alya again. Why did that girl keep blemishing her thoughts? Bianca didn’t understand it. Oh well, that was nothing to worry about right now. She had arrived at the shop, and it was time to pick out material for her dress. Maybe something blue? Bianca knew that color was seen as very dainty. She rifled through a stack of cloths, stopping when a shimmering swatch caught her eye. The silvery color was not exactly traditional, but Bianca didn’t think the Watsons would object. She grabbed the material to take up the counter, thinking about what style of dress she would request.

“Excellent choice, Miss Blackwell,” Mary, the secretary, commented. “That’s a very fine quality. One of the best we have.” Bianca smiled. Of course she had picked out the best material the store had to offer. She had great taste.

Unfortunately, she also had expensive taste. Her father had not given her quite enough for a dress of her selected material, she was soon informed. “Oh,” Bianca said resignedly. “I um, I actually don’t have that on me right now. I’ll… I’ll have to come back later.” She was humiliated. She would be all the talk around town. And not in a good way. A girl who couldn’t afford a dress for her own engagement? How embarrassing! Maybe she should just choose a less expensive fabric?

Bianca decided this was for the best. She choose a pale blue material, one that was overflowing on the shelves. Apparently it was very popular. That would do, even if it wasn’t as flashy as Bianca would have liked.

As she was exiting the shop, she ran into Alya. Of course. “Bianca!” Alya exclaimed, as friendly as always. “I heard the news! Congratulations! That’s so wonderful, you’re going to be a Watson!”

“Thank you,” Bianca replied cordially. She tried to move past Alya, but the other girl wasn’t budging. “This is what you want, right?” she asked.

Bianca paused. No one had ever asked her what she wanted before. Everything was always decided for her. She couldn’t believe that the person who had ever seemed to actually care about her feelings was Alya Kendrick.

“Of course this is what I want,” Bianca answered sharply. And it was. She had always known she would grow up to marry a respected man. This was the life she was meant to have.

But then why had her heart sunk when Alya asked if this was what she wanted? And why was she so deeply scared for the dinner party? Shouldn’t she be excited? Shouldn’t she have thought to ask her father for enough money for an expensive dress? Shouldn’t she be thinking about her future husband, and not the poor blonde girl standing in front of her?

Bianca started at that. Why in the world would she be comparing Elias to Alya? Elias was going to be her family in a few weeks. Alya meant nothing to her. They weren’t even worth mentioning in the same sentence. But Bianca must have still looked contemplative, because Alya reached out and put her hand on her arm reassuringly.

“I just saw you come from the dress shop,” Alya commented, her voice soft and soothing. “You’re getting a new dress for the engagement? That’s lovely. I’m sure you’ll look beautiful.”

Bianca felt her cheeks flush. “Well, I don’t know,” she muttered. “I couldn’t actually get the material I wanted.” Why was she telling Alya that? Bianca cursed herself silently. She was always sharing too much with this girl. What was it about her that made Bianca feel she could open up and be honest? No one else made Bianca feel so…safe.

“Oh, why not?” Alya asked sadly. “Do you need some money so you can afford it?” She started digging through her little change purse.

Bianca’s heart broke. Here Alya was, offering to give Bianca money to pay for her engagement dress, when everyone knew that Alya couldn’t spare a cent. She was strapped enough for cash as it was. But she had such a good heart. And she would always do for others. That was what was important in life, Bianca knew. Not money. Money wouldn’t make her happy. And maybe that’s why Alya was always able to hum in the market. She always had a smile on her face because she was truly happy.

Bianca knew she would never have that with her husband. Sure, maybe Elias was a great guy, she didn’t know. But no matter what he was like, he surely wouldn’t have a heart as big as Alya’s. Bianca was shocked at her own thought. Why did she keep comparing Elias to Alya? They had nothing in common. But deep down, Bianca knew. She would rather be with Alya than with Elias. And she hated that. She knew it was impossible. Alya was a woman, for goodness sake. The two of them could never be together the way a man and a woman were. And Bianca knew that. But that didn’t really make it easier to keep her feelings at bay.

But she knew the only way to move forward was to keep her commitment. She would go to the dinner party. Maybe Elias would be wonderful. Maybe she could be content with him. That was the life she was meant to have, after all. She didn’t have to be happy. She just had to be okay.

“Alya, no,” Bianca shut Alya’s purse for her. “Thank you, but I’ll be fine. I have to go. There’s much to do before Friday.” And before Alya could protest, Bianca was gone.

Friday came much sooner than Bianca would have liked. Suddenly she was in her blue dress, her hair was done up, and she was riding in her father’s carriage on her way to the Watson residence. She hadn’t seen Alya since the day in the market, but Bianca’s mother had mentioned that Alya asked about her. Bianca’s eyes welled up at the thought. Why did Alya care so much about her? They weren’t even friends. Were they?

Bianca swallowed the lump in her throat. She had no time to think about her relationship with Alya. The carriage had pulled up in front of the manor, and Bianca was being helped down by the driver.

The introductions were made. Elias was handsome. Bianca was indifferent. The meal was delicious. Bianca was unaffected. No matter how lovely the night was objectively, Bianca could not find it in herself to be happy. And the worst part was, no one even seemed to notice.

Luckily, the evening was over in just a few hours. Bianca was out the door and in the clear. She couldn’t even remember what Elias’s mother’s first name was, but the dinner was over and that was what was important.

Elias had been charming enough. He was sweet to his mother, and he seemed had a job lined up at the blacksmith’s down the road. He already came from money, and Bianca would be financially secure with him. She could afford all the flashy dresses she would like, of any material imaginable. She would be okay. She was ready to make this commitment. If it was anything like this evening had been, her marriage would just be a blur. A forgettable blip in time.

And suddenly Bianca was breaking down in the back of the carriage. Sobs racked her body as she thought of the life lying ahead of her. She was going to marry a man she didn’t love. She was going to live in a new part of town, a manor bigger than she had ever seen. It was beautiful, but it wasn’t home. It never would be. She would never be happy. She had tried for so long to pretend that this was what she wanted, but she couldn’t do it anymore. Maybe if things were different, this would be the perfect life for her. Maybe if she hadn’t ever met Alya, she could be happy without her. Maybe…

Bianca shook her head to clear her thoughts. Her face was blotchy from the tears, she knew. But all this crying was useless. It was no good to dwell on maybes. They weren’t real. This was real. Yes, it was horrible that she wouldn’t be happy. But what could she do? She could stop pretending this was the life she wanted, sure. And then what? Her parents wouldn’t support her forever, would they? Her mother certainly wouldn’t. She was thrilled to have Bianca out of the house, it seemed.

Bianca had arrived home, and figured it was worth a shot to talk to her father. He didn’t need to know everything, but maybe he could comfort Bianca’s doubts. Maybe there was another man for her. Someone who lived closer to her childhood home. Someone who wasn’t enormously rich. Someone… just someone else. There had to be someone else. Alya couldn’t be the only one for her. Because that would never happen. Never. Bianca knew this. She wasn’t stupid. She was just in love.

How had this happened? How had Alya become so important to her? Bianca really didn’t know. She thought this girl was just someone else in the town, someone poor. But no. She was more than that. She had been for some time now. Bianca didn’t know exactly when she had fallen for Alya, but she did know her feelings had grown much more intense ever since she realized she might be losing Alya forever. They might never see each other if Bianca moved to the other side of town. That would be unbearable. No, this couldn’t happen. She couldn’t marry Elias. She marched to her father’s room and barged in.

“Papa, I can’t marry Elias,” she declared.

“Oh honey, why not? Was the dinner awful?” Papa wondered.

“Yes, it was. He’s a horrible man,” Bianca lied. Her father loved her. He wouldn’t let her live with an abusive man, would he?

“Horrible how? Those rich types can be snooty, yes. But I think it’s worth it, don’t you?”

Bianca’s jaw dropped. Her father was basically dismissing everything she was saying. She should have expected it, but it still hurt.

“I know he has money, but I can’t be with him. I could never love him. He’s really terrible, papa. He would hurt me, I know it. He has such a temper.” Bianca felt bad that she was spreading lies, but she didn’t know what else to do. She had to get her father to understand that she couldn’t marry Elias.

“Well, I don’t want you to be in danger, darling,” Papa conceded. “If you’re sure you can’t marry Elias, I could try to set up something with Matthew Douglas?”

Bianca startled. Matthew Douglas did live nearby, yes. But he thirty years older than Bianca, at least. He had been married before, and his wife had died a few months ago. He had several kids; Bianca wasn’t even sure how many. “I don’t know, Papa. I don’t know that I could be a mother to all those kids.”

“Well too bad!” Papa snapped. “Bianca, I’m doing the best I can for you! You’re never happy with anything!” He had put down his scotch and was turning red in the face. He had never gotten so angry at her before. At her mother, yes. But never her.

“I’m sorry,” Bianca cried. “I just don’t… I don’t want to get married, Papa.” She knew this would not go over well, but she had to at least try to be honest.

“And why not? You were perfectly happy about it the other day.” Bianca flinched. She had been curious to see who she would be spending her life with, yes. But she had been so naïve. She had thought the man would make a difference. That if she was with a sweet and wealthy man, she could live a good life. But now she knew. No matter what man she was with, she would always be miserable. Because she didn’t want to be with a man. She wanted to be with Alya.

But she couldn’t tell her father that. So she lied, again.

“I just don’t want to leave you and Mother.” There, Papa would like that. He wanted Bianca to be dependent on him. He wanted to always be in control of her affairs. He would be happy to have her around. Mother wouldn’t like it, but Papa made the rules.

“You have to get married sometime. Do you really want to put it off a year?” Papa inquired.

Bianca was surprised. Was her father going to actually allow her to put of her marriage? Because she would absolutely take that deal. That would give her more time to figure out what she was going to do.

“Yes, can I just wait until next year?” Bianca pleaded. Her father promised to think about it, and he sent Bianca to bed.

She lay in her bed, thinking about her future. It was possible that she wouldn’t have to get married just yet! She was very excited at the thought, even though she knew her feelings wouldn’t magically change in a year. She still wouldn’t want to be with a man. But for a year more, she could be free. She could spend time with Alya. She would stop pretending that she didn’t care about her, that they weren’t friends. Because life was too short to waste time like that. Bianca was going to spend every possible minute of the next year with Alya. She was going to make the most of the time she had left.

And in fact, Bianca wasn’t even certain that she did have that time left. For all she knew, her father would wake her up the next day and demand that she get married that year. That month, even. There was no way of predicting his mood. He might want to marry off Bianca as fast as possible, her happiness not worth considering.

So she couldn’t risk it. She couldn’t spend any more time not with Alya. She had to be with her, now. Even if she could never be with her the way she wanted, at least being around her was better than this.

So Bianca shot up out of bed. Sure, it was the middle of the night. But Alya was at home, and her husband probably wasn’t around. He was always working, to provide them with money. Bianca could be with Alya. Alone. They could talk. Bianca could be honest with her for once. Well, not completely honest. Of course Bianca eould never tell Alya about her feelings. But she could share her worries about getting married. Alya would be supportive, Bianca knew. She was always there for Bianca, even when Bianca didn’t deserve it. She had made up her mind. She was going to Alya’s, now. She just had to get out of the house without anyone noticing.

It was easy to slip out of her bedroom, because with the windows open, the chirping of the crickets drowned out any squeak of the floorboards. The tricky part was making her way out the front door, which always shut with a bang. Bianca slid out as carefully as possible, but this still didn’t completely muffle the sound of wood on wood. But that didn’t matter. Whether her parents heard her leave or not, she was going. So she ran.

She ran the whole way to Alya’s house, never slowing down to catch her breathe. Even when the branches scratched her arms and the wind made her eyes water, she never stopped. She kept going forward, making her way closer and closer to Alya. To comfort.

Bianca didn’t even realize she was crying again until she finally made it to Aly’s door. She lifted her hand to knock on the door and realized her vision was a bit blurry. She wiped the tears from her eyes, but it was still very clear she had been crying. Her eyes were stinging and her face felt warm. Oh well. There was no sense being embarrassed. Alya would understand, of course. She always did.

It took a minute, because Alya was probably asleep. Bianca almost regretted coming, scolding herself for how rude it was to wake Alya up in the middle of the night. But as soon as the door opened, that regret vanished. Because Alya was standing right in front of her, and then she was looking concerned, and then she was pulling Bianca inside, holding her close, stroking her hair.

“What’s wrong? What happened? Are you okay?” Alya tilted Bianca’s chin toward her so they were looking in each other’s eyes. It didn’t help her to see the girl much more clearly, though. The little house was pitch black, taking on the darkness of the night.

“I’m okay,” Bianca replied, taking a deep breath.

“You’re shaking.” Alya led Bianca to the only chair in the living room, one that was well worn. But boy, was it comfortable. Bianca let herself sink into it, as Alya went into the corner designated as the kitchen to make them both some tea.

As the water was boiling, Alya came back to sit next to Bianca. “It’s so dark in here,” she observed, not really sure what to say. “Why don’t I light some candles, and you can change into some dry clothes?”

Bianca looked down. Indeed, her clothes were wet. How had that happened? Was it really raining outside? She hadn’t even noticed. The whole way over here, she had only had one thought in her mind. Alya.

So she complied. She took the clothes that Alya offered her, which she knew were all Alya had. A long nightshirt and a pair of wool socks. Now came the awkward part. Alya’s tiny house was just one room, with a curtain in front of the tub. Bianca wasn’t exactly going to crawl into the tub to change, which meant she wasn’t going to get any privacy. And maybe that wouldn’t be such a big deal if she weren’t so self-conscious in front of Alya. But she didn’t have much of a choice. She pulled off her robe, feeling her face get hot. Alya wasn’t even looking in her direction, but just knowing that she could turn around at any moment was enough to flush Bianca’s cheeks. She peeled off her wet nightgown, very aware that she was now naked in front of someone, something she hadn’t been since she was a little girl.

And then the tea kettle whistled, and Bianca jumped. Well, Alya hadn’t been looking before, but she sure was now. It happened quickly, and it was embarrassing for both of them. Bianca had clearly startled Alya with her jump, and Alya had looked back instinctively. She hadn’t even stopped to think that Bianca was standing there naked. “Oh, gosh, I’m sorry!” Alya quickly turned back around and rushed over the kettle.

“It’s fine,” Bianca practically whispered. She hurriedly pulled the nightdress and socks on, silently cursing her luck. She joined Alya back by the chair, neither girl wanting to make eye contact.

“You take the seat,” Alya offered. She made herself busy lighting the candles around the room.

“No, no, you take it,” Bianca replied. She took the mug of tea offered to her and leaned against the arm of the chair, trying desperately to appear casual. Like she hadn’t just been totally exposed in front of the girl she was in love with.

So Alya sat down. “Do you want to talk about it?” she prodded gently.

Bianca did want to be as honest with Alya as possible, without getting into her feelings for the girl, of course. “I’m sorry. I’m just upset, and I knew I could come to you. I knew you’d be there for me.”

“Of course.” Alya patted Bianca’s hand reassuringly.

“I don’t want to get married. I don’t love these men, these people my father is setting me up with. I don’t even know them. And they live out of town, or they’re too old, or they have kids, and I just…I’m not ready.”

“I know it’s scary. I was nervous to marry Phillip, too.”

“No, but it’s not the same. You love Phillip now, don’t you?”

Alya thought about it for a second. “I do.”

As selfish as it was, this hurt Bianca’s heart. Maybe deep down she had been thinking there was a possibility that Alya returned her feelings, as hopeless as that may be. But no. Alya loved her husband. Bianca felt her eyes well up again. “I can’t do that. I can never love them.”

“You don’t know that.” Alya was trying to be supportive, but it wasn’t helping. “I do know it, actually. I can’t love…someone else. I…there’s someone I have feelings for that I can’t be with.” It was reckless to admit this much, Bianca knew. But it felt so good to be honest with somebody.

“Is he already married?”

“Yes.” Well, Alya was married, so it wasn’t totally a lie. The person Bianca loved was married. She had never said it was a guy. Alya just assumed. Of course she did. Because girls had feelings for guys. That’s how it worked. Bianca knew she was the one outside of the norm. She was the one with the forbidden feelings. And as much as she wanted to resent Alya for not feeling the same way, she knew she couldn’t. She could never resent this girl. She loved her too much.

“Does he know you love him?” Alya wondered.

Bianca let the tears fall. She couldn’t hold them back anymore. “No. I can’t…no one can know.” And Bianca knew that was the truth. She had come as close to confessing as she possibly could. So now Alya knew there was someone out there that Bianca loved. But she could never know it was her. No one could. Because that would be the end of Bianca. She would be humiliated, ostracized, punished. Banished from her community. Beaten. Expelled from her home. She would have to leave everything she had ever known. And if anyone was worth it, Alya was. If only she felt the same way. If only things were different.

But they weren’t. So this was as close to the truth as Bianca could ever get. Alya would know she had feelings for someone. Alya would know Bianca didn’t love whatever man she had to marry. And that would never be enough. But it would be something. The two girls would share a secret that no one else knew about it. As sad as it was, Bianca smiled at the thought. Alya really was her friend. She would never doubt it again. They were best friends, and they knew each other well. Better than anyone else. And it wasn’t enough.

But Bianca was very good at pretending to be content when she was really unhappy. She had always been good at it. And she would be good at pretending to be content in a marriage she didn’t want. She would be good at pretending that she wasn’t in love with another woman. Because if she didn’t pretend, she would lose everything. And if she did pretend, the only thing she would lose was the one thing that mattered the most. That was a small price to pay to keep on living her life. Right? Giving up the one she loved, it was the smart thing to do, wasn’t it? Wasn’t it smart to marry a man and live a lie? Wasn’t it good to make her parents proud? Wasn’t it right to push her own feelings aside, and worry about everyone else? Alya had always been so selfless, and that’s one of the things Bianca loved most about her. So in the name of her love for Alya, Bianca would be selfless, too. She wouldn’t confess her feelings. Because it wasn’t the right thing to do. The right thing was to pretend to be content. Like she had always done. Like she always would do. Because that was how she got by. And it wasn’t enough. Nothing would ever be enough, because only Alya could truly make Bianca happy. So being without her wasn’t enough. The life she would live wasn’t enough. But it was something.


End file.
